Did you know that a baby's lungs are filled with fluid while they are in the womb, and it is not until their first strained breath after birth that the fluid begins to be pushed out? It may take up to several hours of difficult, painful, uneven breaths for a baby to regulate its body to its new environment. Can you imagine the feeling? It must be like drowning in reverse. I imagine that it feels sharp, like a knife slicing through the lungs, but that it also makes the baby panic – no wonder almost all babies start out crying. But what a worthwhile battle. Those scary, painful breaths literally bring air – every human's most precious resource – to the baby for the first time. Those first breaths literally propel that human being into their future, into the dynamic daily struggle and celebration that is life.
It's no wonder that God describes growing in relationship with him like being born. It's such a struggle sometimes. I have had years of relative bliss before my time in Thailand. Of course there were some aspects of life that were trying – to say the least – but in general my adult life thus far has been amazing, privileged, and a joy. In contrast, my first six months in Thailand have been riddled with tears, heartaches, and confusion. However, throughout my time here I have never questioned if it was the right choice to come, I knew all along, despite the difficulty, that it is good that I am here.
Over the past two months I have begun to breath steadily, and those strong deep breaths have opened up my eyes to see the world around me in a way I never could before. The oxygen that has entered my lungs has showed me that in many ways I was living life like a fetus – safe, warm, taken care of, and merely existing. God is so kind to us, taking us step by step through this process of coming alive. He knows we wouldn't be able to handle it if He transformed everything about our lives and perspectives all at once. He gives us the faith we need in the moment we need it, He gives us the provision we need in the moment we need it, and He gives us the challenge to hold onto Him and press through when we need it. I genuinely do not believe that God destines people to go through seasons of loneliness, brokenness, or any of the deeply turbulent things that happen in our lives – I believe those things happen because we are living in occupied territory, we are quite literally under attack. I do believe that God's character is faithful and good, and that although He doesn't will for these things to happen to us, He uses all things for the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28). And He has used all of the things that have been challenging for me about my life in Thailand for good.
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| It's also been a dream of mine to ride an elephant! Woohoo! |
He has also fulfilled several of my dreams. He has shown me that I can do the things I genuinely didn't believe I could do one year before. Yes, of course I can do those things because of His strength, but I believe He created me with specific gifts, talents, and passions that He gave as a free gift. He designed me with these characteristics to be used and put to use – even if I wasn't connected to Him. That's just how good He is, He gives freely knowing that some of the gifts He gives to humans will never be used in the ways and purposes He designed them for, but when God gives something, He truly gives it. It's yours. I believe that even though certain things about who God made me to be were there all along, unbelief in who God tells me I am barred me from living in the reality of the identity He gave me.
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| The river at the bottom of Doi Sutthep |
I had a moment of deep thanksgiving and praise while traveling over the past month. I was in Chiang Mai, a relatively large city in Northern Thailand nestled between green tropical mountains. Chiang Mai in and of itself was a life giving place for me to spend time. The city is kind and inviting, there are endless interesting people to meet, it is easy to walk through the city (unlike Bangkok), and the air is cool and clean. There is a mountain very close to the city called Doi Sutthep. Doi Sutthep has a big temple about ¾ of the way to the top of the mountain that lots of tourists like to go take pictures of, but there are also a series of small waterfalls near the base of the mountain that locals enjoy visiting in the late afternoon to relax and spend time with their families. One day while I was in Chiang Mai I walked to Doi Sutthep and went on a short hike around the base of the mountain, and then retired by the side of the river along with many other groups of students, friends, and families. As I sat on a rock perched over the side of the river at the base of a small waterfall, I was struck with the enormity of the moment. I live in Thailand. I have been dreaming of living in Thailand probably since I was a little girl marveling at the big carved wooden elephants, and carved screen from Thailand that used to adorn my grandparent's living room. I am also working as a writer. I have known that I wanted to be a writer since I was very young. I don't remember exactly when or what inspired this dream in me, but it has been there burning inside for a long time. I couldn't wipe the giant grin off of my face as I watched the sun fall behind the shadow of the mountain while birds began to fish in the calmer pools along the river, and families laughed, played, and pulled dried squid out of their bags to snack on...here in Thailand.
The struggles that seemed so enormous and painful when I arrived in this nation have begun to fade. And I have begun to fall in love with this place. I have to laugh and celebrate when I think of how God gave me just enough encouragement to keep me going day after day during the first several months here. He was helping me to struggle through those rough tormented breaths that pushed the warm and comfortable fluid out of my lungs, and allowed the cold, intrusive, life giving air to sting me. I expect that there is a lot of fluid left in my lungs, there is much, much more life that God wants to bring me into that I will undoubtably cry and struggle against. But for now, I need to take this moment to celebrate this process of coming alive. How deep and real life is outside the womb, with color and heat, laughter and pain, sweat and joy – how good our God is to invite us into deeper and deeper vibrance of life.
